Comical Ethnicity; The Funny Side of Tribalism.

Ever wondered why the Masai have the "Masai Mara" and the other 42 tribes don't? I have done my research and below are some of my findings thereof:

1. The Luhyas.

I have heard time and again that the tyranny of numbers is a good and useful thing. Well, I used to agree mostly until I went to Western province...Twice! These guys have the numbers but their maths teachers only taught them how to multiply then divide in that order. If you have no idea of w
hat I'm talking about, I've got news for you. The results are out and it's been unanimously concluded that you're slow.

What happened to the "Luhya Mara"? Well, that's an easy one. They ate it! Yeah, numbers can do that! Especially when you're dealing with a group of people that goes to a food court and order Ugali worth Kshs.950/= to be eaten with mrenda worth like Kshs.17.50 cents and kachumbari na mjue hiyo mboga itabaki ugali saucer ikiisha. They Probably ate the "luhya Mara" so fast that by the time the first white men came around with their cameras to document it, it was all over, done and dusted hence my lack of further documentary evidence. Don't ask me what they did to the lions, hyenas and vultures in the Luhya Mara coz I don't know either. My best guess is the carnivores and scavengers had to move to the neighboring "Kisii Mara" then later moved further down and eastwards to the Masai Mara in search of meatier pastures.

All that left in the entire Western Province is a humongous weeping boulder aka The Crying Stone of Big Brother (read Kaka Mega) which still mourns the atrocities done to the "Luhya Mara" to date. Efforts to revive the "Luhya Mara" were rendered a hopeless waste of time.

2. The Baites.

Merus, all we know about these guys is that they are mild drug dealers (Miraa, according to some stooge in NACADA), have a very bad temper (greatly exaggerated by the way), their only music instrument is a panga (I hear Meru people can't sing), they are fast drivers(Toyota Hilux mainly), and that they're all funny, if an accent is anything to go by.

I overheard that they haven't killed all their wild animals yet. They've got a couple of gazelle and an elephant at the Meru National park and we must all appreciate that they have the aforementioned left overs.

Ever wondered what happened to the "Meru Mara"? Your guess is as good as mine. But I think that the answer to that should mostly revolve around to their fairly popular mild drugs, their temper and their only music instruments. Picture this, Mwilaria is busy weeding his miraa crop when all over a sudden a starving stray animal from the "Meru Mara"which has been hiding from the predators therein decides to have a leaf or two of the veve for whatever reason...I don't know why this animal chose veve instead of bananas or potatoes of some bush or fence(all fences in Meru are live[mimea] fences. I've been there, I know. Maybe it just needed something that could keep it awake for 24hr survival against the predators.

Anyways, in retaliation, Mwilaria and his friends react to that animals impunity by slashing it and all the other animals in the "Meru Mara" which could not run or hide. In a recent interview, our late reporter(may her soul rest in piece) managed to gather the fact that Mwilaria's descendants would do the same. A re-enactment cost our entire Meru crew their lives. Friends and enemies are sending their contributions towards the burial via M-pesa. I cannot remember the pay-bill number off-head but I'll remember to post it as soon as I do.

Efforts to revive the once thriving ecosystem are currently underway. Warning to poachers in that area, DON'T KEEP OFF THE VEVE/MIRAA/KHAT. WE WANT YOU TO DIE AS WELL!


3. The Kisiis.

We have nothing solid on these guys besides the fact that some animals which had migrated from the "Luhya Mara" may or may not have made a stop over at what is believed to have been "Kisii Mara"/"Gusii Mara" en-route the Masai Mara.  

Conducting research amongst these people is impossible...o
k, scratch that...almost impossible. We first sent a crew of four men to Kisii to conduct the research. They ended up being distracted by the beautiful women there and of the two who've since returned, one cannot speak due to what we suspect is a serious case of witchcraft while the other one just filed for divorce and went back. We've never seen or heard from him since then. His only words as per our records were "she looks like that and is extremely low maintenance". We'll assume that he was referring to a human.

We decided to play safe and send a crew of women. The returned empty handed on the following day citing violence and aggression from their potential interviewees.

We then sent a final crew with several gay guys and Congestina Achieng's journalist alter ego. This final crew successfully recorded some audio interviews(Kisii people can't write-Nyakemincha) but their voices were so high pitched that we can't hear a thing they were saying. Our professional kisii translators have since sent copies of the audio recordings to Dr. Dre and those Boeing people who decipher audio clips from the black boxes of crashed planes. Nothing much has been deciphered so far but we hope that when the finished audios are returned to us, the Nyakemincha effect will not hinder the revelation of this important quest on "Kisii Mara's"/Gusii Mara's" history. We've used both names because we don't know the correct one to date.

4. The Wariahs.

We should all know the answer to this, save for the special ones. The "Wariah Mara" story is a sad one. It's full of misery. These people are the only Kenyans who are genuinely justified to "kuomba serikali". Infact, on top of that story(juu ya hiyo story), Naomba Serikali Ionekanie Hawa Masafara Wenzetu Jameni!

This is what happened to the "Wariah Mara".
       1. Insecurity:- Pirates, Shifta, Al shabitches, Land mines e.t.c
-The insecurity in that region either killed, maimed or scare off the animals of the "Wariah Mara". It wasn't pretty but I'm sure you care less. You see that reaction you usually have when disaster happens to the people of the North Eastern region? That feeling of not caring coz "it's too far away"? That thing of treating them like foreigners such that they apply for national IDs at childbirth? That's the same feeling which rendered their wild animals extinct. Please save their people.

       2. Weather:-

Talk of a place which is drier than your great grand mother's garden of eden. DRIER THAN THAT! That's gross right? Yeah, F*** you too! See how messed up that isht is yet? The wild animals which didn't die there died on their way out. There were no survivors. In fact, the camel who told me that died shortly afterwards. True story.

      3.Discrimination:-
People like you discriminate/disregard things from North Eastern Province. I blame you. That clearly didn't work so well for the animals of the "Wariah Mara" either. This shit aint funny anymore. Lemmi skip to the next group.

5. The Kikuyu.

I know that you've been looking forward to this one you stupid tribalist. And as usual, they won't disappoint. Did you know that there is not a single wild animal in the entire central province? Did you? LOL! That's a lie hahahaha! But there is no "Kikuyu Mara" so the following are the reason:

They stole and Sold em all... or atleast most of em. Have you noticed how the Pokots and Turkanas et al steal cows which are later found somewhere else by their counterparts going on a steal-them-back-with-a-profit mission? Our friends from central are gifted. If they stole it, it gone for good. They sold most stolen animals far far away and you can find them everywhere doing very noticeable business with their customers from back then. In other words, they sold "Kikuyu Mara", piece by piece to all your ancestors. The animals sold to the luhyas were eaten, merus cut them into smaller pieces, kisiis insulted and beat every animal they bought then used the survivors to start their infamous witchcraft traditions etc.

"Kikuyu Mara" is everywhere nowadays! Except North Eastern and Western regions. There is no need for bringing it back because the process will obviously be repeated. Unconfirmed rumors have been circulating about how animals were "molested" to death but let's keep them at that...as rumors! We should concentrate on stopping the current poaching activities without pointing fingers. Niko sure ma culprit sio waluhya coz they don't eat the carcases. Don't ask about it impolitely though, their wives will beat you up.


6. The Mombasaries.

Laziness, that's what happened to "Mombasa Mara". Animals there were simply too lazy. Most of . You'll hear stories of how they get their heads jammed in a jerrycan for up to three days or how they give hitchhikers free rides and show off their nice hooves. Anyways, "Mombasa Mara" currently goes by the name "Mombasa Raha" and a lot of people travel far and wide to get a piece of it.

-them were either eaten by predators or poached. Some starved to death because the grass was behind a tree, too much work going around the tree to eat. The rest didn't wanna walk again so they rolled into the ocean where they float to this day. The rest slept with the long distant traders from the mountain region and are currently mermaids and other half men half animal creatures commonly referred to as Jini. They're nice and entertaining

7. The Kamba.

The "Kamba Mara" was a perverts favorite. It was full of snakes. WAS. I have no idea what happened to most of them but rumor has it that they were used by the natives as demonstration specimen for one of their finest arts. And I'm not talking about "wood" carving. When the snakes supply was nearly depleted, they started using whatever snake they could find and ended up being very famous for it...especially the women. "Kamba Mara" was subsequently renamed to "Kamba Ladies" and it can be visited at a snake near you. Luhya Ladies should be jealous.

7. Dho Luo

These ones are just the ones. They evolved into human looking
creatures but failed to learn how to act as such. They formed a lifestyle which is revolves around their ego. They have the biggest and the best of everything. The biggest gadgets and appliances, the biggest toys, the biggest tittles, the biggest stones, the biggest president in the world, the biggest mouths, the biggest African movie stars, the biggest empty spaces in a human head, the biggest pot bellies, the biggest booties, the biggest opposition skills and the smallest dicks. You can always find them anywhere in the world throwing stones at a football stadium  or university near you.Some of them are very smart. Very Very Smart. Eat fish daily and see for yourself.

"Luo Mara" is my favorite.




8. The Others.

This is the part where I give a very nasty reality check to the others. "Kalenjin Mara" could not be

discussed because none of my crew was trained in conducting interviews while jogging for like a hundred kilometres very early in the morning. These people must have out run their animals during a wildlife grazing exercise during with they ran too far and could no longer trace their wildlife. Or is it the animals that evolved into runners? We don't care coz they have given our country as much if note more attention compared to the masai mara.

As for the rest of you, I've got nothing on you yet but msikonde. Our findings are still streaming in and you could be next.

Counter Terrorism In Kenya - Time to Fight Back.

I have closely observed Jack Bauer for Eight Complete seasons and the first three episodes of season 9 so I believe that I'm totally qualified to write this. If you've got your doubts, feel free to give your own directives as you go to hell.

Terrorism in Kenya is no longer amongst those things usually restricted to the movies. It's become a real menace. Yaani kitu cha ukweli. I'm grateful to God because we've been dealing with amateurs, save for the perpetrators of the events of the February & March 1975, 31st December, 1980, 7th day of August, 1998, November 2002 and 21st September, 2013 among others. We've lost so many lives to these soulless beings and since the government has not doing enough about it, I believe it's time to join hands and get rid of this menace. Below are some of the ways we should counter these M***** F******!

1. Being More Paranoid.

Do you know people who are suspicious of everything? If you don't, you need to. Those are the people who will save your life or at least teach you how to. They have a super power which allows the to notice everything...scratch that...almost everything. I will tell you their secret today, but in exchange, you must vow to join this war against terror. ATTENTION. These people are aware of most if not everything happening around them simply because they pay attention. They don't mind looking weird or embarrassing themselves and it pays off. Most of you miss the details of what's happening around you simply because you are distracted by random things like good looking strangers, nice cars, random crowds, accessories and worst of all gadgets...especially mobile phones and tablets. You will die people. Pay some f***** ATTENTION and LIVE!

2.Response to Attacks.

Every time something sinister happens in Kenya, a crowd gathers to witness. Be it a traffic accident, a fire, armed robbery or terrorism among others, random sufferers, passers/drivers by, the press and on big occasions, political bigwigs among others, everyone seemingly want a piece a it! Everyone rushes to the scene to witness the event but the irony of it all is that they all miss the important things. They turn scenes of done disasters into a set up for a sequel. They also help the perpetrators get away with it with relative ease while giving response teams a nightmare regardless of the time of day. Screw you witness. You need to sprinkle some aromat on your instincts.

The next time something explodes at a place near you, you can take one or a combination of the following measures:

1. Scamper for safety and get the hell out of there.
2. If you're safe, take a couple of quick looks around. You might see a thing or two which could help catch the perpetrators or prevent a subsequent attack. If you're just curious, GO AWAY OR I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!
3. If you feel it's safe enough to intervene and if you have enough common sense in you to differenciate between saving a life and taking it, help the victims.
4. If you are a kalenjin (the slim ones - no offense fatsos) run to the furthest police station and report the everything you might remember to a kalenjin police officer in a language he/she understands.
5. If you are injured, relax, you're not dead yet. Just keep reciting a loved one's phone number until an ambulance(preferably driven by a meru guy) turns up. They usually arrive first anyway. If the driver does not have a strong accent and is not chewing with one side of the mouth clearly full, good luck with getting to the hospital in time.
6. If you are a cop, especially the cop responding to the kalenjin guy's report. Go home, you're not trained for this.
7. If you are part of the disaster response team, thx a lot. Do a good job. We're grateful.
8. If you're among the policemen in charge of crowd control, shoot everyone in the crowd twice and blame it on me.
9. If you are a professional thief or an amateur one in need of practice, please rob all the guys taking pictures at the scene. All of them! Then go home and share all the pictures on twitter, not Facebook!
10. If you're that bomb expert who always shows up in a lab coat, LOL! We know that you don't know shit! Please return that lab coat to K.M.T.C and go watch as much C.S.I as your government salary can buy you.
11. If you are from the press, tell Larry Madowo that he's an idiot then go back to the office and follow the story on twitter.
12. If you are still reading this, you have genuine problems. Unfortunately, early diagnostics cannot determine what your real problems but you could simply insist that you're bored and keep reading.


3. Vigilance.

Most bomb experts in Kenya (read security guards with magic wands) do the shoddiest jobs, reasonably so and have no idea that they're actually playing with fire...For y'all who love the blame game, their bosses are to blame.I don't know about you but most times I go through a security check point in Nairobi, I end up feeling like I should have simply patted myself down. These guys are so bored by their jobs that even our amateur terrorists don't attack shoddily guarded places to avoid the ensuing embarrassment. The only way we can solve that problem is to urge kids in school to study harder, give free education up to university/college/polytechnic and to ensure that the quality of that free education is enhanced to competitive standards. Unfortunately, that will never happen so let's just stick to response.

4. Government Action.

The government should arrest everyone who spreads those scaring forwarded alerts on whatsapp and continue doing whatever it is that they're doing in counter-terrorism. Firing Ole Lenku would also be pleasant to many but please give the poor guy enough cash to return to his "successful" cooking businesses.


When an act of terrorism occurs near you, don't call 911. It doesn't work in Kenya. Try calling 999 or tweet @chucknorris, @jackbauer or @jesuschrist in any order. @jesuschrist is most reliable but don't expect any miracles.

If you catch a terrorist, kill him/her before you call the police. It's the only way!