Friday 23 May 2014

Comical Ethnicity; The Funny Side of Tribalism.


Ever wondered why the Masai have the "Masai Mara" and the other 42 tribes don't? I have done my research and below are some of my findings thereof:

1. The Luhyas.

I have heard time and again that the tyranny of numbers is a good and useful thing. Well, I used to agree mostly until I went to Western province...Twice! These guys have the numbers but their maths teachers only taught them how to multiply then divide in that order. If you have no idea of w
hat I'm talking about, I've got news for you. The results are out and it's been unanimously concluded that you're slow.

What happened to the "Luhya Mara"? Well, that's an easy one. They ate it! Yeah, numbers can do that! Especially when you're dealing with a group of people that goes to a food court and order Ugali worth Kshs.950/= to be eaten with mrenda worth like Kshs.17.50 cents and kachumbari na mjue hiyo mboga itabaki ugali saucer ikiisha. They Probably ate the "luhya Mara" so fast that by the time the first white men came around with their cameras to document it, it was all over, done and dusted hence my lack of further documentary evidence. Don't ask me what they did to the lions, hyenas and vultures in the Luhya Mara coz I don't know either. My best guess is the carnivores and scavengers had to move to the neighboring "Kisii Mara" then later moved further down and eastwards to the Masai Mara in search of meatier pastures.

All that left in the entire Western Province is a humongous weeping boulder aka The Crying Stone of Big Brother (read Kaka Mega) which still mourns the atrocities done to the "Luhya Mara" to date. Efforts to revive the "Luhya Mara" were rendered a hopeless waste of time.

2. The Baites.

Merus, all we know about these guys is that they are mild drug dealers (Miraa, according to some stooge in NACADA), have a very bad temper (greatly exaggerated by the way), their only music instrument is a panga (I hear Meru people can't sing), they are fast drivers(Toyota Hilux mainly), and that they're all funny, if an accent is anything to go by.

I overheard that they haven't killed all their wild animals yet. They've got a couple of gazelle and an elephant at the Meru National park and we must all appreciate that they have the aforementioned left overs.

Ever wondered what happened to the "Meru Mara"? Your guess is as good as mine. But I think that the answer to that should mostly revolve around to their fairly popular mild drugs, their temper and their only music instruments. Picture this, Mwilaria is busy weeding his miraa crop when all over a sudden a starving stray animal from the "Meru Mara"which has been hiding from the predators therein decides to have a leaf or two of the veve for whatever reason...I don't know why this animal chose veve instead of bananas or potatoes of some bush or fence(all fences in Meru are live[mimea] fences. I've been there, I know. Maybe it just needed something that could keep it awake for 24hr survival against the predators.

Anyways, in retaliation, Mwilaria and his friends react to that animals impunity by slashing it and all the other animals in the "Meru Mara" which could not run or hide. In a recent interview, our late reporter(may her soul rest in piece) managed to gather the fact that Mwilaria's descendants would do the same. A re-enactment cost our entire Meru crew their lives. Friends and enemies are sending their contributions towards the burial via M-pesa. I cannot remember the pay-bill number off-head but I'll remember to post it as soon as I do.

Efforts to revive the once thriving ecosystem are currently underway. Warning to poachers in that area, DON'T KEEP OFF THE VEVE/MIRAA/KHAT. WE WANT YOU TO DIE AS WELL!


3. The Kisiis.

We have nothing solid on these guys besides the fact that some animals which had migrated from the "Luhya Mara" may or may not have made a stop over at what is believed to have been "Kisii Mara"/"Gusii Mara" en-route the Masai Mara.  

Conducting research amongst these people is impossible...o
k, scratch that...almost impossible. We first sent a crew of four men to Kisii to conduct the research. They ended up being distracted by the beautiful women there and of the two who've since returned, one cannot speak due to what we suspect is a serious case of witchcraft while the other one just filed for divorce and went back. We've never seen or heard from him since then. His only words as per our records were "she looks like that and is extremely low maintenance". We'll assume that he was referring to a human.

We decided to play safe and send a crew of women. The returned empty handed on the following day citing violence and aggression from their potential interviewees.

We then sent a final crew with several gay guys and Congestina Achieng's journalist alter ego. This final crew successfully recorded some audio interviews(Kisii people can't write-Nyakemincha) but their voices were so high pitched that we can't hear a thing they were saying. Our professional kisii translators have since sent copies of the audio recordings to Dr. Dre and those Boeing people who decipher audio clips from the black boxes of crashed planes. Nothing much has been deciphered so far but we hope that when the finished audios are returned to us, the Nyakemincha effect will not hinder the revelation of this important quest on "Kisii Mara's"/Gusii Mara's" history. We've used both names because we don't know the correct one to date.

4. The Wariahs.

We should all know the answer to this, save for the special ones. The "Wariah Mara" story is a sad one. It's full of misery. These people are the only Kenyans who are genuinely justified to "kuomba serikali". Infact, on top of that story(juu ya hiyo story), Naomba Serikali Ionekanie Hawa Masafara Wenzetu Jameni!

This is what happened to the "Wariah Mara".
       1. Insecurity:- Pirates, Shifta, Al shabitches, Land mines e.t.c
-The insecurity in that region either killed, maimed or scare off the animals of the "Wariah Mara". It wasn't pretty but I'm sure you care less. You see that reaction you usually have when disaster happens to the people of the North Eastern region? That feeling of not caring coz "it's too far away"? That thing of treating them like foreigners such that they apply for national IDs at childbirth? That's the same feeling which rendered their wild animals extinct. Please save their people.

       2. Weather:-
Talk of a place which is drier than your great grand mother's garden of eden. DRIER THAN THAT! That's gross right? Yeah, F*** you too! See how messed up that isht is yet? The wild animals which didn't die there died on their way out. There were no survivors. In fact, the camel who told me that died shortly afterwards. True story.

      3.Discrimination:-
People like you discriminate/disregard things from North Eastern Province. I blame you. That clearly didn't work so well for the animals of the "Wariah Mara" either. This shit aint funny anymore. Lemmi skip to the next group.

5. The Kikuyu.

I know that you've been looking forward to this one you stupid tribalist. And as usual, they won't disappoint. Did you know that there is not a single wild animal in the entire central province? Did you? LOL! That's a lie hahahaha! But there is no "Kikuyu Mara" so the following are the reason:

They stole and Sold em all... or atleast most of em. Have you noticed how the Pokots and Turkanas et al steal cows which are later found somewhere else by their counterparts going on a steal-them-back-with-a-profit mission? Our friends from central are gifted. If they stole it, it gone for good. They sold most stolen animals far far away and you can find them everywhere doing very noticeable business with their customers from back then. In other words, they sold "Kikuyu Mara", piece by piece to all your ancestors. The animals sold to the luhyas were eaten, merus cut them into smaller pieces, kisiis insulted and beat every animal they bought then used the survivors to start their infamous witchcraft traditions etc.

"Kikuyu Mara" is everywhere nowadays! Except North Eastern and Western regions. There is no need for bringing it back because the process will obviously be repeated. Unconfirmed rumors have been circulating about how animals were "molested" to death but let's keep them at that...as rumors! We should concentrate on stopping the current poaching activities without pointing fingers. Niko sure ma culprit sio waluhya coz they don't eat the carcases. Don't ask about it impolitely though, their wives will beat you up.


6. The Mombasaries.

Laziness, that's what happened to "Mombasa Mara". Animals there were simply too lazy. Most of . You'll hear stories of how they get their heads jammed in a jerrycan for up to three days or how they give hitchhikers free rides and show off their nice hooves. Anyways, "Mombasa Mara" currently goes by the name "Mombasa Raha" and a lot of people travel far and wide to get a piece of it.
-them were either eaten by predators or poached. Some starved to death because the grass was behind a tree, too much work going around the tree to eat. The rest didn't wanna walk again so they rolled into the ocean where they float to this day. The rest slept with the long distant traders from the mountain region and are currently mermaids and other half men half animal creatures commonly referred to as Jini. They're nice and entertaining

7. The Kamba.

The "Kamba Mara" was a perverts favorite. It was full of snakes. WAS. I have no idea what happened to most of them but rumor has it that they were used by the natives as demonstration specimen for one of their finest arts. And I'm not talking about "wood" carving. When the snakes supply was nearly depleted, they started using whatever snake they could find and ended up being very famous for it...especially the women. "Kamba Mara" was subsequently renamed to "Kamba Ladies" and it can be visited at a snake near you. Luhya Ladies should be jealous.

7. Dho Luo

These ones are just the ones. They evolved into human looking
creatures but failed to learn how to act as such. They formed a lifestyle which is revolves around their ego. They have the biggest and the best of everything. The biggest gadgets and appliances, the biggest toys, the biggest tittles, the biggest stones, the biggest president in the world, the biggest mouths, the biggest African movie stars, the biggest empty spaces in a human head, the biggest pot bellies, the biggest booties, the biggest opposition skills and the smallest dicks. You can always find them anywhere in the world throwing stones at a football stadium  or university near you.Some of them are very smart. Very Very Smart. Eat fish daily and see for yourself.

"Luo Mara" is my favorite.




8. The Others.

This is the part where I give a very nasty reality check to the others. "Kalenjin Mara" could not be
discussed because none of my crew was trained in conducting interviews while jogging for like a hundred kilometres very early in the morning. These people must have out run their animals during a wildlife grazing exercise during with they ran too far and could no longer trace their wildlife. Or is it the animals that evolved into runners? We don't care coz they have given our country as much if note more attention compared to the masai mara.

As for the rest of you, I've got nothing on you yet but msikonde. Our findings are still streaming in and you could be next.

Monday 19 May 2014

Counter Terrorism In Kenya - Time to Fight Back.

I have closely observed Jack Bauer for Eight Complete seasons and the first three episodes of season 9 so I believe that I'm totally qualified to write this. If you've got your doubts, feel free to give your own directives as you go to hell.

Terrorism in Kenya is no longer amongst those things usually restricted to the movies. It's become a real menace. Yaani kitu cha ukweli. I'm grateful to God because we've been dealing with amateurs, save for the perpetrators of the events of the February & March 1975, 31st December, 1980, 7th day of August, 1998, November 2002 and 21st September, 2013 among others. We've lost so many lives to these soulless beings and since the government has not doing enough about it, I believe it's time to join hands and get rid of this menace. Below are some of the ways we should counter these M***** F******!

1. Being More Paranoid.

Do you know people who are suspicious of everything? If you don't, you need to. Those are the people who will save your life or at least teach you how to. They have a super power which allows the to notice everything...scratch that...almost everything. I will tell you their secret today, but in exchange, you must vow to join this war against terror. ATTENTION. These people are aware of most if not everything happening around them simply because they pay attention. They don't mind looking weird or embarrassing themselves and it pays off. Most of you miss the details of what's happening around you simply because you are distracted by random things like good looking strangers, nice cars, random crowds, accessories and worst of all gadgets...especially mobile phones and tablets. You will die people. Pay some f***** ATTENTION and LIVE!

2.Response to Attacks.

Every time something sinister happens in Kenya, a crowd gathers to witness. Be it a traffic accident, a fire, armed robbery or terrorism among others, random sufferers, passers/drivers by, the press and on big occasions, political bigwigs among others, everyone seemingly want a piece a it! Everyone rushes to the scene to witness the event but the irony of it all is that they all miss the important things. They turn scenes of done disasters into a set up for a sequel. They also help the perpetrators get away with it with relative ease while giving response teams a nightmare regardless of the time of day. Screw you witness. You need to sprinkle some aromat on your instincts.

The next time something explodes at a place near you, you can take one or a combination of the following measures:

1. Scamper for safety and get the hell out of there.
2. If you're safe, take a couple of quick looks around. You might see a thing or two which could help catch the perpetrators or prevent a subsequent attack. If you're just curious, GO AWAY OR I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!
3. If you feel it's safe enough to intervene and if you have enough common sense in you to differenciate between saving a life and taking it, help the victims.
4. If you are a kalenjin (the slim ones - no offense fatsos) run to the furthest police station and report the everything you might remember to a kalenjin police officer in a language he/she understands.
5. If you are injured, relax, you're not dead yet. Just keep reciting a loved one's phone number until an ambulance(preferably driven by a meru guy) turns up. They usually arrive first anyway. If the driver does not have a strong accent and is not chewing with one side of the mouth clearly full, good luck with getting to the hospital in time.
6. If you are a cop, especially the cop responding to the kalenjin guy's report. Go home, you're not trained for this.
7. If you are part of the disaster response team, thx a lot. Do a good job. We're grateful.
8. If you're among the policemen in charge of crowd control, shoot everyone in the crowd twice and blame it on me.
9. If you are a professional thief or an amateur one in need of practice, please rob all the guys taking pictures at the scene. All of them! Then go home and share all the pictures on twitter, not Facebook!
10. If you're that bomb expert who always shows up in a lab coat, LOL! We know that you don't know shit! Please return that lab coat to K.M.T.C and go watch as much C.S.I as your government salary can buy you.
11. If you are from the press, tell Larry Madowo that he's an idiot then go back to the office and follow the story on twitter.
12. If you are still reading this, you have genuine problems. Unfortunately, early diagnostics cannot determine what your real problems but you could simply insist that you're bored and keep reading.


3. Vigilance.

Most bomb experts in Kenya (read security guards with magic wands) do the shoddiest jobs, reasonably so and have no idea that they're actually playing with fire...For y'all who love the blame game, their bosses are to blame.I don't know about you but most times I go through a security check point in Nairobi, I end up feeling like I should have simply patted myself down. These guys are so bored by their jobs that even our amateur terrorists don't attack shoddily guarded places to avoid the ensuing embarrassment. The only way we can solve that problem is to urge kids in school to study harder, give free education up to university/college/polytechnic and to ensure that the quality of that free education is enhanced to competitive standards. Unfortunately, that will never happen so let's just stick to response.

4. Government Action.

The government should arrest everyone who spreads those scaring forwarded alerts on whatsapp and continue doing whatever it is that they're doing in counter-terrorism. Firing Ole Lenku would also be pleasant to many but please give the poor guy enough cash to return to his "successful" cooking businesses.


When an act of terrorism occurs near you, don't call 911. It doesn't work in Kenya. Try calling 999 or tweet @chucknorris, @jackbauer or @jesuschrist in any order. @jesuschrist is most reliable but don't expect any miracles.

If you catch a terrorist, kill him/her before you call the police. It's the only way!


Thursday 27 February 2014

"Im-potential"! How big are you? Unleash your potential.

I know where I am and what I'd like to be in the next few years. You probably do too. And if my plans are anything to go by, the future is going to be out of this world. Or is it?

Take time to reflect on your life as you read through this article. If you're in a hurry, don't bother, this is not for you. Before you get ahead of yourself, look at your life as at the moment.

Where are you? Is that where you ought to be?

How did you get here? Are you making any realistic progress?

What are you doing about it? Is that all you've got in you?

What have you achieved so far? Is that the best you can do?

If all your answers to the above queries are positive, stop reading this and resume whatever it is you do because you seem to be where you want to be, and I don't know if this article will add value to your life.

If you happen to the amongst those who are expecting a miracle here, go away!

This is for the few who are willing to put some extra effort into their lives.

Okay. You have a pastright? How was it? Now forget about it and be grateful that you've made it this far. Life is your decisions and actions and their impact upon the world from this point onward. If
there is anything from your past is threatening your progress, face it and deal with it. That way you'll not have to look behind your back every now and then while you're busy headed where you ought to be in that future we were talking about about.

Today, we'll be talking about a few guys. How their simple decisions and actions add up to define our lives. Am not an anatomy professor so if I call the brain a muscle, let's assume its a muscle.
When I look an aeroplane, I don't just see that spectacular piece of work that we'd all love to own, or travel in, or clean up, or take a picture with depending on your level of self belief. I see the ambition
on the eyes of the Wright Brothers when flight was only restricted to birds and debris/victims of strong winds/tornadoes. I see the first steps in the life of the aviation industry. The thought behind it, the action of making the first model, then the first real plane, then the attempt to make it fly and
the risk to actually fly.

There were vehicles back then. Sometimes around the year 1900AD. Most of you can't manufacture a vehicle today. You probably haven't owned one yet. Or maybe, the one you have is just something to get by with as you prepare to get the one you really want. But a couple of bicycle repair guys back then at a time when only a few wealthy people could afford to drive, thought beyond the prestige of
driving, to the impossible dream of flying, and went a step further to achieve it.

Now, here you are, reading this note and thinking to yourself that others have already done every big thing that there is to do. Admitting that all you need to do is survive on your job and pay bills or buy land, build a house, buy cars, spouse, kids and live happily ever after...how shallow of you?

You are probably already struggling to get by with your current hustle and with your wants consistently outdoing your income, I don't see why should not keep pushing harder and thinking outside the box you're currently stuck in. The Wright Brothers thought, acted upon their thoughts and gave us the aviation industry. As a result of the above 14 word paragraph, we have commercial airlines, private jets and planes, military aircraft for aerial warfare, flying doctors, weather, news, G.P.S, the internet, computers, mobile commucation, man going to space, people working in or around planes, others dreaming for those jobs, stories and movies about planes, casualties and fatalities among other endless effects of two bicycle repair brothers who decided to think wildly and
put some effort towards those impossible thoughts.

Do you think you are good enough? Do you feel smart? Are you worth anything? If you die today, how many will remember you for the things you owe them? Will you leave any legacy? Will people have to stumble upon your picture or a relative to remember you? What's stopping you from doing something that will impose your greatness upon the world? Why should the people you leave behind have to bear with the cost of your death instead of celebrating the fruits of your life eternally?

Whenever you encounter an aircraft, you subconsciously respect the Wright Brothers. iphones, ipads, ipods macbooks etc are a Steve Jobs legacy. We've got facebook, language, google, KFC, fire, money, phones, houses, independence, education, Mc Donalds, Faiba adverts, great music and so many other things that affect our lives in one way or the other, all thanks to some guys idea and subsequent actions.

You can be the next homo erectus, bill gates, or Wright brothers. Alone or as a group. If you try that stupid brilliant idea of yours, you could end up being the next big thing. Use your current bicycle job to fund your airplane dreams and change the future of the entire world. You'll most definitely end up shaping yours in the process.

Am not saying you need to beat or equal the, achievements of the wright brothers to make a mark in this life, AM ONLY TELLING YOU THAT YOU CAN DO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU ARE DOING AT THE MOMENT. FAR MUCH BETTER. SO BREAK AWAY FROM YOUR MENTAL JAIL AND

DO MORE EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

How big are you? Unleash your potential.

Monday 24 February 2014

"The Little Voices In Your Head".

What is the voice of reason?

I don't know what it is. There's no tangible proof that it exists. Infact, if you think or believe that there's a "little voice" in your head which warns you whenever(or sometimes when) you're about to do something stupid, you're mad, and you need some medication or treatment for "the crazies" you're clearly suffering from.

You disagree huh?
Show me a mad person admits that they're crazy? My point exactly but Well, I don't care...coz either way, You'll thank me later Because that's not the reason I'm writing this.

I just have an idea.
Think of a person you're afraid of. A person whose presence makes you uncomfortable, a person whose voice makes you sick, anyone you can't stand or bear with, Someone who easily pisses you off or gets on your nerves, Someone like Me, or your Boss, or your Ex, or parent/guardian, or enemy... someone you wish to avoid but can't, someone you're stuck with at the moment, that person who you've always disagreed with, that person who is most frequently wrong...yes...That person/idiot/ fool/whatever. NOW THINK OF THAT PERSON'S VOICE...in your head.
HaHaHaHaHa!!! I'll get back to you on that shortly!

Many of you deliberately make bad decisions, waste your money, do something effed up, sick stuff etc and end up regretting afterwards. If you've never said the words "I WISH I KNEW", stop reading
this, kill yourself and go to heaven where people like you "belong". The rest of you know the drill... Keep Reading!

The reason you've been messing up so much is "The Little Voice In Your Head". Yes! Ndiiiooo!
Blame it! NkT! It's still doesn't exist though. When you read a text message from anyone, you read them with the sender's voice{even Bubu(s)}. When you're thinking to yourself or reading your own stuff, you do that in your own voice. When you're reading things written by people or machines whose voices you don't know or recognize [e.g interesting books, magazines, safaricom SMS(s), stranger's status updates among others], you may subconsciously get into character and use fabricated voices whose choice is influenced by various things which I am not interested to discuss coz I'm that lazy! THOSE FABRICATED VOICES HAVE ERRONEOUSLY BEEN REFERRED TO AS THE LITTLE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. I hate whoever started the tradition of referring to the voice as "little". If it doesn't sound like a chimpmunk's or a dwarf/woompa loompa's voice, I declare that it's not a little voice.

There are two reasons as to why the "little voice in your head" is to blame for your failures. The first reason is obviously because it does not exist, while the second reason is because you have tamed the voices erroneously referred to as the "little voice in your head" and made them your "bitch"(female dog-not humans you chauvinistic stool). How do you expect your bitch(still talking about a dog here)
to effectively disagree with you? You house it, you feed it, you take care of it and expect it to risk losing all that in order to make you do the right thing? Lol! Never gonna happen!!! NEVER EVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER!

WHY AM I SAYING THIS?
It's pretty obvious. At such moments of weakness, You are crazy. You are the aforementioned bitch. That so called "little voice in your head" is just you trying to talk yourself out of it. Only crazy people can have an effective conversation with themselves so if you've ever talked yourself out of anything... YOU'RE CRAZY MY FRIEND...There, I said IT!

Moving on...., You fail time and again because you've lost your self respect, you've made yourself your bitch. You've lost your free will to another manifestation of yourself. You need help...and I have a plausible solution. Remember the voice I promised to revert to in the 5th paragraph? Let me remind you anyway "......someone you wish to avoid but can't, someone you're stuck with at the moment, that person who you've always disagreed with, that person who is most frequently wrong... yes...That person/idiot/fool/whatever. NOW THINK OF THAT PERSON'S VOICE...in your head. HaHaHaHaHa! I'll get back to you on that shortly!"...

Yes, That one. It could be the answer to all your problems. And No, I'm not suggesting that you replace your so called "little voice in your head" with this other person's voice. That would be difficult and might not be as successful. You hate this person's voice, probably with very good or justifiable reason. This person's voice represents everything you dislike, or hate, or can't stand...you're naturally inclined to disagree with it.

My suggestion is simple. Every time you're about to do something stupid or make a bad decision, every moment you'd probably invoke the services of the so called "little voice in your head", on each and every moment of weakness in your life, TAKE JUST A FEW SECONDS TO THINK OF THE PERSON YOU HATE MOST, OR CAN'T STAND, OR AGREE OR BEAR WITH IN YOUR MIND LOOKING DOWN ON YOU, SHOUTING/TELLING YOU THESE THREE WORDS THREE TIME...."just do it"... "just do it"... "just do it"...

It Might Work and Stop You. But If you choose to agree with that voice and proceed to do that stupid thing or with the bad decision, atleast when the time to regret comes, you'll have someone else to blame alongside your stupid self... Think about it...Is this a good idea or what? Now pay me with a round of applause...in your head ofcourse.

One more thing, I don't think I sound the way you've been doing it in your head throughout this article. Come to think of it, I don't care that you're tried to sound like me for a moment there. But Yes, I've taken offense. My boss's voice in my head is telling me to "just do it". That means I'm outta here....I Release You Now. And just so you know, I Love my current boss.

Tuesday 11 February 2014

The Fairytale - "Black Edition".


WARNING: THE CONTENT OF THIS ARTICLE MAY SEEM INAPPROPRIATE IN SEVERAL WAYS! DON'TREAD IT IF YOU DON'T UNDERTAKE TO SOLELY FOCUS ON THE HUMOUR IN IT!

"White" folk fairytales are quite something. Today I'll not be dwelling much into the inappropriate sex themes and jealousy en shit. I only have one story in mind and this might be offensive to most of you in one way or the other(s). Now, there is this fairytale about this "white"(not "black" obviously and I'll get to that shortly) chick with very long hair who lives in a doorless tower that can only be accessed by anyone who she chooses to drop her hair to climb up en shit.

This update is about my opinion on why the characters in this story are not "black". Let's start with the obvious reasons.

1. Since birth, I've only met one "black" lady with very long hair(not dreadlocks) but she's since cut it short. Now, the rest are using hair from sea biscuit and his relatives and since that shit is sown onto their heads, pulling it would cause them to pull a stunt commonly executed in Nyeri County in Kenya on you.

Incase you are retarded, Sea Biscuit is a Horse's name, my apologies.

Assuming that we're all at par now, let's evaluate the circumstances under which our sisters would let you pull their precious sea biscuit's hair.
1. Censored.
2. Censored.
3. To bring her food but only if she's STARVING.
4. Censored.
5. When you are sewing it on but only as her hair dresser.

Would a sister wait for prince charming that long in such a tower? LOL, HELL NO!

NOW UNTO THE BROTHERS.
Why weren't we choosen to play the part of prince charming in that story besides the obvious fact that we're not in the least bit charming?
1. We fear heights.
2. Most, if not all of us would only climb that tower with one thing in our minds but sadly, the script inconveniently left it out.
3. We were busy doing more brotherly things elsewhere during the auditions.
4.Brothers would be implicated with and charge with fictatious offences like sexual harrasment and male chauvinism for merely touching a white woman's hair, regardless of the scripted instructions. RACISM IS REAL.
5. "Happily ever after" is cool but we don't understand why it doesn't begin as soon as we show up!
6. I did not write that script.

For those wondering how my writing the script is relevant in making the story better, I'm good with designation of talent. I'd a put a brother with a really huge talent on that tower and every time a beautiful princess or anything good looking including domestic animals would pass by, the huge talent would automatically reach out for her/it and if the beauriful princess or that "it" thing would consent to it and reach out for the talent and climb up the tower, the "Happily Ever After" would take place immediately en shit.

Now, I need a brother with sufficient talent and a sister with long real looking hair, whether it's sea biscuit's or not so that we can do our version of that fairytale. SPOILER ALERT: It's gonna involve two towers and the challenging bit will involve the two combining efforts to get to each other. Since we already know what the brother wants from the sister, my script will ensure that the brother is also stinking rich to motivate the sister's response.

LET'S DO THIS!

Tuesday 4 February 2014

"Tribalism in Kenya, Understand The Game"

I've never been to the Masai Mara, but I know what the tour guides probably don't tell you. But before we get to that, let's answer the small question first:

Q. Why they don't they tell you these things?

1. Some of them hate their jobs. They have never taken an interest beyond their routine tour guide drills and I wouldn't blame them for that. In other words, they just don't know these things.

2. Some of them have witnessed it, they know. But they don't understand it. They have been suppressed by their limited perspectives. Their scope is just too small. Just because you see
something doesn't mean you understand it. I wouldn't blame them either.

3. Some are very smart. They have figured it out. But they know too much, and that's the problem. They'd tell you but they know that you're there to relax, not to learn. That you'd rather witness some action, than listen to some "mere" tour guide. That you're probably going to take their views out of context, and get them fired.

Because the elephant in the vehicle is bigger than the biggest ones out there. TRIBALISM.

In the Mara, you'll find herbivores, omnivores and carnivores. From bacteria, to elephants. On land, under/in the water and in the air. And they all have one thing in common. THEY GROUP ACCORDING TO THEIR FEEDING PATTERNS. 

Human beings similarly group depending on their feeding habits. The rich, the middle class, the poor and special diets groups whose characteristics keep going up and down like a yoyo. The Politics in the Masai Mara is not a very democratic kind. It's works through implied terms, mainly due to the challenge of language barrier. But that's a good thing. You cannot incite or misunderstand the context in a set of words from a foreign language without a TRANSLATOR. 

Sadly, humans have developed common languages with serious elements of ambiguity that have been abused to incite to the extent of grouping themselves on a dialect basis in the name of tribes. If only we could learn a few things from the less evolved animals...or maybe some of us have already do that.

Most animals are territorial. Male Lions will kill, maim or hurt other male lions to establish an alpha male dominance status over a pride in a specific territory. They kill all male cubs sired by the previous alpha males instead of "adopting" them. They do all this so as to make feeding and mating more convenient. I call that PUTTING PERSONAL INTERESTS FIRST. 

I'm pretty sure we all know a few of these amongst our human counterparts. You'd think we are better off with this evolution thing going on so well for us but I wouldn't put my money on it. I don't know about you. 

Hippos will attack passersby and inflict fatal injuries for no apparent reason. And don't get me wrong. I mean, how can overreacting to a passers by's curiosity be justified in the name of protecting off springs? I know some men will  eat and/or copulate with anything nowadays but come on hippos... That aint right! I'll call that AGGRESSION.

I've heard of various theories from some human beings attempting to justify such actions. I call them
SCAPEGOATS .

The theories may be correct, the problem is that most of them focus on defending the actions with little or no effort towards establishing long term solutions. Self defense is the only reason a human being should use force against another and am sure there are limitations, regulations and guidelines for doing that. 

Bees usually attack those who provoke them with brutal force, in RETALIATION. The first bee injects some scented fluids into the assailant's body, then the other bees follow that scent and use it to zero in to the enemies and sting them extensively (MOB MENTALITY). The other bees need not to understand the reason behind the brutal attacks. Most of the bees release part of their internal organs
with the sting and die soon afterwards, as COLLATERAL DAMAGE. They do so to please and protect a QUEEN BEE who never moves a muscle, STUPID MUCH?

Hyenas, vultures and other scavengers flock together to feast on the predators leftovers. They even attack weak or dying animals and eat them alive. They may appear inferior, but they are the biggest and most ruthless consumers on the food chain. Dear Human OPPORTUNISTS, am talking about you.

Baboons, cheaters, leopards, elephants and giraffes lead their lives in nuclear family groupings, sometimes solo but will always protect their own. They largely influence activities around them using their noticeable capacities. They are confident but they live suspiciously knowing that the lions get all the attention, but that doesn't make their influence any smaller. These are like the people who think that the world is perfect, as long as worldly problems don't affect them. Middle class people, you need to be part of the solution...COME ON!

Buffalo, Zebra, Wilder beast, gazelle, flamingoes among others live together. They literally thrive because of their sheers numbers. They multiply like calculators. They have to. They can't afford or risk leading a private life in the wild. Every meat eater wants a piece of them, but they always kill them get it. They are the most dispensable members of the Mara. Their death is thrilling to most. They are statistics, literally. But this's where the animals outclass, out do and show human beings how it's supposed to be done. These animals have the numbers, just like the average members of society. Their unity is makes them. They use their numbers to thrive. They don't segregate much and species related issues don't divide them. They don't fight for resources, they share them. When they move, They all move together. They do as many things as a unit. Their weakness don't define them.

But look at the average human being. Jealousy, hatred, tribalism, sabotage, racism and so many other divisive elements. Has evolution failed us? Why can't we choose to copy the herbivores for the next few years and see how that goes? Let's put our differences away and be a strong units. It makes no sense to unite only when the carnivores and the scavengers want to eat. Especially when they are about to feed on you. It does not matter whether the animal eating the grass with you is a zebra or a buffalo, a Luhya, a kalenjin, a Kamba, a kikuyu, a masai, a luo e.t.c. Eat the grass like a Kenyan, I mean hervibore. Stick together for your own good. The carnivore will eat anyone as long as they are
made of meat. Use your numbers to tame the carnivores. They cant survive without you, you can starve them if you work as a unit. You are stronger than that, and together, you are stronger than them. Wacheni ubaguzi na ukabila.

Monday 3 February 2014

Of Jalopies and Road Rage

So I'm in a matatu from Parklands to town via Pangani and the driver, seemingly suicidal, pulls several clearly wreckless stunts between 2nd avenue and Ngara. . .Upon joining the superhighway towards Pangani, he starts swerving and nearly misses several other vehicles. I get pissed off and shout at him unkindly ordering him to stop risking our lives and to drive properly or else leave that to me.

Sema mwanamme kupark gari katikati ya super highway na kusema niichukue niendeshe! Ndio huyo mimi nimetoka huko karibu back seat nimeenda kuchukua usukani. Now everyone else in the matatu is on fire! Sema watu kulima dereva war! The driver whose issues are clearly visible starts crying. Other vehicles are slowing down to witness as the drama unfolds.

The conductor takes the wheel and parks the matatu at the Oil Libya petrol station at Pangani, returns our fares in full the fares in full then jumps back into the vehicle and speeds off! And then it hits me,
I ACTUALLY INTENDED TO DRIVE THAT THING TO TOWN.

I'm still alive and kicking, in one fully functional piece, typing it all away on my way home to the diaspora that is commonly referred to as Rongai! Silence Kills!

Sunday 2 February 2014

The Art Of War On Terror in Nairobbery.

America and the United Queendom among others claim that my city is currently under the threat of an imminent terrorist attack. I have been hoping that nothing happens within the ages it's taken for me to type this with my fingers crossed(which for the record is much harder than i expected).

This is just a collection of some reasons why I'm not exactly scared of these terrorists. For starters, I was recently diagnosed with "Athletes foot". My doctor says that it's common in Kenya, the home of athletes so I'm confident that if anything happens, I'll use my "athletes foot" to run away from danger as fast as my fellow professional Kenyan athletes.

Secondly, I'm broke. Njaanuary has been a bit harsh to my pockets and I might have accidentally incurred an unbearable amount in debts. Since I'm not intending to pay anyone this weekend, expect me to be significantly rare from the public until further notice. That excludes my presence from shopping malls, movie theatres, chang'aa dens and any other crowded places where my creditors are likely to bump into me. So if I owe you, please understand that I'm not hiding from you...I'm only trying to stay alive long enough to pay you in future when normalcy returns.

Then comes the issue of my smarts. I did not get an F in chemistry, I swear. I know the periodic table just like the smartest amongst you people. My favourite elements were helium, neon and the element of surprise. As you can see, the absence of elements like oxygen, hydrogen, carbon, magnesium and potassium among others means that I automatically evade everything which can react explosively. But the element of surprise has been giving me goosebumps since I can't confidently place it in the correct position on the periodic table. I suppose it lies somewhere far below the top of the table where Arsenal and ManCity belong. I should ask Man U fans whether they can see it amongst their neighbours.

Mobile Network Service Providers have been very unreliable in this country. The news recently announced that none of these companies is compliant with the industry requirements. In fact, they all failed a recent test...But that's a good thing. If a terrorist is intending to blow anything using a mobile phone detonated I.E.D(please google this if you are a dimwit), they'll have to deal with the challenges that prevail in that sector. The terrorist will have to grapple with poor network signals, airtime disappearance, the bomb being "mteja", pick pockets and "mtu saba" stealing the mobile phone/detonator, airtime scratch cards that get torn while scratching, battery low thanks to KPLC, networkconjestion related delays and/or disconnection among others. Do you feel safer yet?

Then there is mob justice and the lack of confidence in our security forces. The previous attack taught Kenyans that they are on their own. Some hostages who waited for help died before they could wish that they didn't. There is no way I'd let a terrorist win without putting up a proper fight. If numbers are anything to go by, I feel like we have the upper hand.

Ni hayo tu kwa sasa.

Friday 31 January 2014

The Donkey You Know Is Better Than The S**** You Don't Know - Masaibu ya "W"akili Timamu


Hello world. I'm eating some donkey as I type this...but hold your horses and let me explain.

I never buy beef (read "donkey meat") in Rongai. Never Ever! I mainly do mutton simply because my taste buds are a wee bit less susceptible to trickery when it comes to that.

Njaanuary is almost officially over. So I thought I should treat myself to some meat today since the fat lady is about to sing anytime now effectively flipping my poverty hourglass as is the monthly norm.

Unfortunately, all my "trusted" butcheries had ran out of mutton. It seems like a lot of people have already been paid unlike some of us. Due to budget constraints, I opted not to buy chicken which is the obvious alternative and opted to experiment with Sossi, a product which can only best be described through a quick google search. After-all, the adverts clearly state that it's not donkey meat but it tastes like real meat (ignore that donkey part). If you don't know what Sossi is at this point, just GO AWAY! .... Okay. On second thought, just maybe google "Sossi" and check out the images.

Moving on, HOW I WISH I KNEW! That shit doesn't taste anything like meat. I've been told that adverts are usually exaggerated a little but when it come to this one, PATHOLOGICAL lies have been poured! It can't get worse than that.

I swear nimetupa sahani kwa dustbin, nikaenda moja kwa moja mpaka kwa butchery, nikakopa punda nusu kilo PAP! Saa hii nakulia kapunda kangu kwa sufuria moss moss bila wasiwasi na kusema ukweli, NI HERI PUNDA KULIKO SOSSI!