The Art Of War On Terror in Nairobbery.

America and the United Queendom among others claim that my city is currently under the threat of an imminent terrorist attack. I have been hoping that nothing happens within the ages it's taken for me to type this with my fingers crossed(which for the record is much harder than i expected).

This is just a collection of some reasons why I'm not exactly scared of these terrorists. For starters, I was recently diagnosed with "Athletes foot". My doctor says that it's common in Kenya, the home of athletes so I'm confident that if anything happens, I'll use my "athletes foot" to run away from danger as fast as my fellow professional Kenyan athletes.

Secondly, I'm broke. Njaanuary has been a bit harsh to my pockets and I might have accidentally incurred an unbearable amount in debts. Since I'm not intending to pay anyone this weekend, expect me to be significantly rare from the public until further notice. That excludes my presence from shopping malls, movie theatres, chang'aa dens and any other crowded places where my creditors are likely to bump into me. So if I owe you, please understand that I'm not hiding from you...I'm only trying to stay alive long enough to pay you in future when normalcy returns.

Then comes the issue of my smarts. I did not get an F in chemistry, I swear. I know the periodic table just like the smartest amongst you people. My favourite elements were helium, neon and the element of surprise. As you can see, the absence of elements like oxygen, hydrogen, carbon, magnesium and potassium among others means that I automatically evade everything which can react explosively. But the element of surprise has been giving me goosebumps since I can't confidently place it in the correct position on the periodic table. I suppose it lies somewhere far below the top of the table where Arsenal and ManCity belong. I should ask Man U fans whether they can see it amongst their neighbours.

Mobile Network Service Providers have been very unreliable in this country. The news recently announced that none of these companies is compliant with the industry requirements. In fact, they all failed a recent test...But that's a good thing. If a terrorist is intending to blow anything using a mobile phone detonated I.E.D(please google this if you are a dimwit), they'll have to deal with the challenges that prevail in that sector. The terrorist will have to grapple with poor network signals, airtime disappearance, the bomb being "mteja", pick pockets and "mtu saba" stealing the mobile phone/detonator, airtime scratch cards that get torn while scratching, battery low thanks to KPLC, networkconjestion related delays and/or disconnection among others. Do you feel safer yet?

Then there is mob justice and the lack of confidence in our security forces. The previous attack taught Kenyans that they are on their own. Some hostages who waited for help died before they could wish that they didn't. There is no way I'd let a terrorist win without putting up a proper fight. If numbers are anything to go by, I feel like we have the upper hand.

Ni hayo tu kwa sasa.