I have closely observed Jack Bauer for Eight Complete seasons and the first three episodes of season 9 so I believe that I'm totally qualified to write this. If you've got your doubts, feel free to give your own directives as you go to hell.
Terrorism in Kenya is no longer amongst those things usually restricted to the movies. It's become a real menace. Yaani kitu cha ukweli. I'm grateful to God because we've been dealing with amateurs, save for the perpetrators of the events of the February & March 1975, 31st December, 1980, 7th day of August, 1998, November 2002 and 21st September, 2013 among others. We've lost so many lives to these soulless beings and since the government has not doing enough about it, I believe it's time to join hands and get rid of this menace. Below are some of the ways we should counter these M***** F******!
1. Being More Paranoid.
Do you know people who are suspicious of everything? If you don't, you need to. Those are the people who will save your life or at least teach you how to. They have a super power which allows the to notice everything...scratch that...almost everything. I will tell you their secret today, but in exchange, you must vow to join this war against terror. ATTENTION. These people are aware of most if not everything happening around them simply because they pay attention. They don't mind looking weird or embarrassing themselves and it pays off. Most of you miss the details of what's happening around you simply because you are distracted by random things like good looking strangers, nice cars, random crowds, accessories and worst of all gadgets...especially mobile phones and tablets. You will die people. Pay some f***** ATTENTION and LIVE!
2.Response to Attacks.
Every time something sinister happens in Kenya, a crowd gathers to witness. Be it a traffic accident, a fire, armed robbery or terrorism among others, random sufferers, passers/drivers by, the press and on big occasions, political bigwigs among others, everyone seemingly want a piece a it! Everyone rushes to the scene to witness the event but the irony of it all is that they all miss the important things. They turn scenes of done disasters into a set up for a sequel. They also help the perpetrators get away with it with relative ease while giving response teams a nightmare regardless of the time of day. Screw you witness. You need to sprinkle some aromat on your instincts.
The next time something explodes at a place near you, you can take one or a combination of the following measures:
1. Scamper for safety and get the hell out of there.
2. If you're safe, take a couple of quick looks around. You might see a thing or two which could help catch the perpetrators or prevent a subsequent attack. If you're just curious, GO AWAY OR I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!
3. If you feel it's safe enough to intervene and if you have enough common sense in you to differenciate between saving a life and taking it, help the victims.
4. If you are a kalenjin (the slim ones - no offense fatsos) run to the furthest police station and report the everything you might remember to a kalenjin police officer in a language he/she understands.
5. If you are injured, relax, you're not dead yet. Just keep reciting a loved one's phone number until an ambulance(preferably driven by a meru guy) turns up. They usually arrive first anyway. If the driver does not have a strong accent and is not chewing with one side of the mouth clearly full, good luck with getting to the hospital in time.
6. If you are a cop, especially the cop responding to the kalenjin guy's report. Go home, you're not trained for this.
7. If you are part of the disaster response team, thx a lot. Do a good job. We're grateful.
8. If you're among the policemen in charge of crowd control, shoot everyone in the crowd twice and blame it on me.
9. If you are a professional thief or an amateur one in need of practice, please rob all the guys taking pictures at the scene. All of them! Then go home and share all the pictures on twitter, not Facebook!
10. If you're that bomb expert who always shows up in a lab coat, LOL! We know that you don't know shit! Please return that lab coat to K.M.T.C and go watch as much C.S.I as your government salary can buy you.
11. If you are from the press, tell Larry Madowo that he's an idiot then go back to the office and follow the story on twitter.
12. If you are still reading this, you have genuine problems. Unfortunately, early diagnostics cannot determine what your real problems but you could simply insist that you're bored and keep reading.
3. Vigilance.
Most bomb experts in Kenya (read security guards with magic wands) do the shoddiest jobs, reasonably so and have no idea that they're actually playing with fire...For y'all who love the blame game, their bosses are to blame.I don't know about you but most times I go through a security check point in Nairobi, I end up feeling like I should have simply patted myself down. These guys are so bored by their jobs that even our amateur terrorists don't attack shoddily guarded places to avoid the ensuing embarrassment. The only way we can solve that problem is to urge kids in school to study harder, give free education up to university/college/polytechnic and to ensure that the quality of that free education is enhanced to competitive standards. Unfortunately, that will never happen so let's just stick to response.
4. Government Action.
The government should arrest everyone who spreads those scaring forwarded alerts on whatsapp and continue doing whatever it is that they're doing in counter-terrorism. Firing Ole Lenku would also be pleasant to many but please give the poor guy enough cash to return to his "successful" cooking businesses.
When an act of terrorism occurs near you, don't call 911. It doesn't work in Kenya. Try calling 999 or tweet @chucknorris, @jackbauer or @jesuschrist in any order. @jesuschrist is most reliable but don't expect any miracles.
If you catch a terrorist, kill him/her before you call the police. It's the only way!
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